When Words and Feelings Don’t Line Up: Why Communication Breaks Down in Relationships
Many couples come to therapy saying, “We just can’t communicate.” But often the problem isn’t communication itself, it’s a subtle mismatch between what’s happening inside and what gets expressed on the outside. This gap can leave partners feeling misunderstood, dismissed, or even unsafe.
Psychologist Carl Rogers described this mismatch as the difference between congruence and incongruence, terms that remain highly relevant for couples today.
When Words Match Feelings
At its best, communication feels authentic. Our words, tone, and body language line up with what we’re truly feeling. This is what Rogers called congruence.
Examples include:
Saying “I feel hurt” when hurt is truly what we feel.
Reaching for closeness when we genuinely long for connection.
Admitting “I don’t know” instead of masking uncertainty.
When words and feelings match, partners feel safe and stable with each other. There is a sense of what you see is what I mean and it is the foundation of trust and intimacy.
When Words and Feelings Don’t Match
Sometimes, though, what comes out on the outside doesn’t match what’s happening inside. Rogers called this incongruence. It often develops as a protective strategy and perhaps it wasn’t safe earlier in life to show anger, sadness, or vulnerability. But in intimate partnerships, this pattern can quietly erode connection.
Examples include:
Saying “I’m fine” while visibly upset.
Using criticism to cover up fear of rejection.
Withdrawing in silence when what we really want is closeness.
When this mismatch becomes a habit, partners sense something is “off.” The relationship starts to feel less reliable, less safe, and less intimate.
Why This Matters in Couples Therapy
Couples often describe their challenges as “communication problems.” But what we often see in therapy is that the words themselves aren’t necessarily the problem. Often it is the lack of alignment between words and emotions that destabilizes trust.
Even imperfect honesty can be powerfully connecting. A shaky but real, “I feel hurt and I’m not sure how to say it” builds more intimacy than a polished “I’m fine” that conceals pain.
In therapy, the work is to help partners slow down, notice these mismatches, and experiment with more authentic expression.
How Couples Can Begin Practicing Authentic Communication
Some practices that support healthier alignment include:
Pause before reacting: Ask yourself, “What am I really feeling right now?”
Use “I” statements: Share your inner experience without layering blame.
Risk small truths: Start with manageable honesty, even if your voice shakes.
Listen generously: When your partner shares vulnerably, receive it with openness rather than defensiveness.
Over time, these practices create a safer emotional climate where both partners can feel seen, heard, and understood. Relationships don’t thrive on perfect communication, they thrive on authentic communication. When words and feelings align, trust and intimacy can deepen.
As Carl Rogers observed, genuine connection grows when partners risk being real with each other. Couples therapy provides the support and safety to practice this, helping both partners move closer to a relationship where love and trust can flow more freely.
If you and your partner are struggling with communication or disconnection, couples therapy can help. Learn more about my approach to relationship counseling.